"What is history? An echo of the past in the future; a reflex from the future on the past”

 

I'm already kind of frazzled and burnt out for the summer. I think working the Children's Festival on top of being in a play is what has killed me. Hopefully a three day weekend will help me reset. I'm on two wait-lists for graduate school (one officially informed me, the other I'm just assuming since they haven't sent me a rejection notice yet). I had phone interviews for a theatre in Michigan and in Philadelphia. The one in Philadelphia asked me to go speak to them in person so I'm off to do that in about a week and a half!

Sometimes I wonder if it's a mistake to try and make a career out of something that I love so much. Will it be just 'work' if I do that? I'm burnt out now, what will it be like when I'm doing it 'for real', so to speak?

***

And then I wonder if I'm turning into the very things I hate. Sitting at a cubical, pushing paper and numbers around in circles. I may be good at this stuff but I don't particularly care for it.

***

Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket

Never let it fade away

Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket

Save it for a rainy day

For love may come and tap you on the shoulder some starless night

Just in case you feel you want to hold her

You'll have a pocketful of starlight

(Pocketful of starlight, hm,hm,hm,hm,hm,hm)

That's been stuck in my head. I finished LOST (well, up to the latest season) and a character sings it a little. If you've never watched the show - it's something interesting and addicting, certainly. LOST was also a mode of spending time with a friend I thought I, erm, lost.

"She gave me an ultimatum earlier that day...or at least strongly hinted to one. Be friends with you or chance losing her. Obvious what I chose... So I killed a friendship with someone...to be betrayed in the end, by the person who deemed it necessary...We always wind up with each other. Maybe not romantically, maybe not solidly...but we've both made some pretty wild detours...and here we remain."

I need more friends like this. More emails from people just saying 'let's just fix it and be friends, because it's worth it'.

I need people. Not any one person specifically (multitudes of specific people, actually)... just the ones I've asked to share a bit of my life with. I feel like (a lot of times) I lost -- there's that word again -- the good ones because I was too busy trying to figure out who I was. Am.

I still don't have the answer to that one.

And as much as I wish success, love, and happiness: When they find it, I worry: "What about me?" The answer, quite clearly is "What about you." (and not in the pitying questioning way. More like a statement). I'm letting them go because they have better things to do than stick around here. They've stuck around long enough, anyway.

I'm happy for you. I believe in you.

Just like always.

***

I'm in a strange mood. I was up in the middle of the night to talk to someone I don't see enough. I fell asleep talking to the one person whose emails I save for too long. And I haven't heard from the few folks I used to share meals with daily.

It's weird.

***

For when your troubles startn’ multiplying,
And they just might!
It’s easy to forget them without trying,
With just a pocketful of starlight

Catch a falling star and ( Catch a falling and . . .) put it in your pocket,
Never let it fade away ( Never let it fade away)
Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket,
Save it for a rainy day.

( Save it for rainy day ) Save it for a rainy day

Perry Como sang this song, which has rounded out the strangeness of my day nicely. This will probably be one of those posts I'll hope to set to 'private' in a month or six.