New Year, Same Goals.

2009 started with House, tears, and resolutions.

The first is to get into graduate school. Followed by cutting my calorie intake down to 1400-1800 a day, working out five to six days a week, and drinking about a liter of water a day. Next is to not pursue any sort of romantic involvement between now and July. Not kidding, here. I've about given up on matters of the heart for now, the best thing I had ever seen ended up biting my in the backside. Last is to not get so stressed out/take things so seriously.

I'm not doing really well on the first and last ones. Graduate school stuff is due in the next three days and I'm so overwhelmed I had to step away for a sec. To write about how overwhelmed I am. Which is stupid, but there you have it. I'm trying to breathe but this is just... I get to the point where I shut down and say 'screw it' to everything. And I know that's bad, I'm not giving up, I know how close I am but I just put a ton of pressure on myself and I freak out and feel like I'm going to scream/cry/throw up and then I start writing run-on sentences.

It doesn't help that I am writing emails about things that happened last semester to professors about clubs - not that that's bad, but I'm having really poignant memories of my last days of the semester with the ex and it's bringing up six million more bad feelings. Wah wah, whine whine, heartbreak heartbreak, whatever. I know, I'm a pain.

Last calendar year hurt. A lot. I have to push through this stupid paperwork to prove I'm worth something. It's hard with all that baggage in the way. It's too much right now. It's too too much. I'm strong, I can handle it but it'd be nice to have a little help here and there.