Two weeks into the semester, and already I am looking for the summer to come peaking behind the snowy cold. Although, when that happens, it will mean saying goodbye to the people that have mattered most to me the past three years. Not forever, but there you have it. It's happened my freshman year. There went people who inspired me, who influenced my art and my mind. And my sophomore year. There went the people with the motivation and talent. And it'll happen this year. Those with kindness, enthusiasm, humor, and grace. The next year, it'll be us. The ones who learned from all the others, and at least attempted such greatness.
It's a new year. I guess you could say it has started off very slowly. I don't have any idea what will happen to me in the next week. Or the next month. Or the one after it. And so forth. No one ever does, do they? I would like to have change in my life. The one I have been living isn't exactly up to par. It's not "doing it" for me, so to speak.
I get these inexplicable ideas in my head that just cannot be shaken. That I could only be in love with so-and-so. Or the only way I'll be happy is if such a thing occurs. It can't be healthy, that's for sure. It scares me, a little. I'm still waiting for things to go back to 'normal' and for whatever reason, I can't understand that this day in and day out is what normal will be until something else shifts. Either via my changing it, or it changing me.
It would be so easy to blame others. But, I don't like to make it easy.
So I'll just keep on keepin' on. Get up. Go to work. Go to class. And back to work. Work out. Go to rehearsal. Learn the steps. Memorize the lyrics. Remember why it's a way of life, instead of a career. Go to bed. Get up. Go to work. Go to class... and on weekends? Do homework. Find some times when friends are around, and go visit. Keep occupied. Work out some more. Pretend it isn't lonely to walk back to an empty room. Wake up, and do it again the next day.
Wash, rinse, repeat as necessary. Wash, rinse, repeat.
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7 comments:
years ago, when I was a new christian, a eldery man gave me a home-made tape of an artist's songs- I want to say her name was Mary "something" - like "Mary jane" but I'm not sure. He told me of her miraculous survival of a suicide attempt where she held a rifle to her face and when she pulled the trigger, the bullet literally fell out of the barrel at her feet. This story WILL make sense in a minute- the tape had a song on it that grabbed my attention and has kept me alive for many years. The lyrics started- "I know not what my future holds, and I have no way of knowing. But I know the One who holds my future, so i have no fear of where I'm going"
I am amazed in this day and age I only got one 'hit' on a part of these lyrics, and it was your blog. hang in there, lets look for mary jane together, and learn from her life/experience.
Friend,
I love getting mix tapes, and it sounds like yours was a blessing.
I'm glad you found my blog, and I'm holding on as tight as I can. I sure hope you'll keep holding on too.
The artist is Marijohn Wilkins. She only produced one gospel album in the 70's called "I Have Returned" by World Label records. It has many great songs on it including this one. She is known for writing country music. She wrote "One Day At A Time" with Kris Kristofferson as well which is her most famous song. Good luck finding any recordings of it. I have been searching and can't find it anywhere. Hope this helps you out.
I love what you had said....
anonymous user number two, thanks for commenting. It made me return to this post which I wrote almost exactly a year ago... I still don't know what my future holds, but I know that I'm going to make it great. :)
Amen!
I'm in such a different place than where I was when I first wrote this. I fell in love (I thought) twice after this post. Still haven't found what I'm looking for... But, I know that I will.
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