God is Love. Love is Blind. Ray Charles is Blind. Ray Charles is God.

Whatif by Shel Silverstein

Last night, while I lay thinking here,
some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
and pranced and partied all night long
and sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I'm dumb in school?
Whatif they've closed the swimming pool?
Whatif I get beat up?
Whatif there's poison in my cup?
Whatif I start to cry?
Whatif I get sick and die?
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
Whatif I don't grow talle?
Whatif my head starts getting smaller?
Whatif the fish won't bite?
Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
Whatif they start a war?
Whatif my parents get divorced?
Whatif the bus is late?
Whatif my teeth don't grow in straight?
Whatif I tear my pants?
Whatif I never learn to dance?
Everything seems well, and then
the nighttime Whatifs strike again!

I read this poem in sixth grade. And I guess I remember it because I DO that a lot. I turn everyday things into daydreams of superheroes, villains, and situational comedies that only happen in movies.

A week or two ago, I was in Oakland. I decided to take a bus to Liberty Avenue and fill out an application at the Pittsburgh Cultural Trust. Why wouldn’t I just call the Pittsburgh Cultural Trust and ask them to fax or email me the application? Well, I did, actually. “Oh we don’t do that. We don’t allow applications to leave the premises.” Excuse me. La tee dah, I didn’t realize I was dealing with people so much more educated and cultured than myself. What was a disgusting cretin like me thinking? I decided not to be off-putted by their rather rude phone receptionist. After filling out the application, finding a bus home was more than daunting, considering I’m a suburbia dweller typically.

I decided to be bold and… call my mom. “Institution for Clinical Research Education, this is Lorraine.” Mom. “What?” I’m lost. “Okay, well where are you?” I just walked out of the Cultural Trust….erm, 820 Liberty Avenue. “Well, walk around and look for a bus stop that has the 500C on it.” There’s only the 300B at this one. “Okay, where are you again?” After talking in circles like this, for a while, I was thoroughly frustrated and pissed off at the public transportation system. I finally found the 74 C, about two blocks from where I began my search – even if I had been walking for half of an hour with my backpack filled with an overweight laptop. It felt worse than it was, considering I couldn’t find my way. Being lost and overheated with 20 lbs on your back causes my temper to flair.

As I approached the stop I noticed a beautiful woman was reading the blue and white BUS STOP sign. Her skin was the color of coffee mixed with cream (name that musical reference and I’ll give you a dollar!), and her head was safely enfolded in a tan cotton scarf. The flowers on her ankle length skirt matched the scarf surprising perfection. I hung up my phone with a sharp, irritated snap after curtly telling Lorri that I had found a bus stop that was of use to me….

The rest of this post was going to be about the woman talking to me (she really did) and getting on the same bus as I had. Then I was going to say things about a group of wiggers getting on and harassing her (they really didn’t) and my standing up for her. The what-if situation I daydreamed while riding the bus back to Oakland uneventfully. But I just finished writing a ‘letter’ to my best friend and it emotionally drained me of being able to write creatively.

I’m emotionally drained in general right now. I’m happy to say that I was offered and am taking an internship with the Pittsburgh International Children’s Theatre, for the summer. And that someone who I love is talking to me again… after I thought they never would. God is good. I also reconnected with two friends who were a major support system for me a few years ago, but I fell out of touch with after I started college. That is also a good thing. These are facts that make me feel hopeful, and like this world may be getting brighter.

I’m sad to announce the breaking off of my relationship with Danny. If you want to know the long story, contact me privately. Otherwise, you’ll get the short “The distance wasn’t working out” answer. I’m not one to advertise personal pain or exploit someone else’s. I don’t want to make him the enemy. And he’s not.

I’m up and down and running in circles. But that’s alright. Life is basically screaming at me “THIS IS WHAT IT’S ABOUT! SUCK IT UP FOR THE BAD PARTS AND BE HAPPY FOR THE GOOD PARTS!”

My friend recommended this book series to me: "The Griffin and Sabine Trilogy". If you like Post Secret, you might like this... It's the story of two people who live in totally different parts of the world. And they begin a very strange correspondence through postcards and letters. You actually see both sides of each post card, open envelopes, and pull out the letters... it's very awesome. The artwork is phenomenal as is the story. It's the first thing that has restored even come close to restoring my faith in true romance and love since the breakup.

Yooooooooooooooooooooooou should read it. :)