Monday, January 30, 2006

HEY MICKEY YOU'RE SO FINE, YOU'RE SO FINE YOU BLOW MY MIND!

There are only three people in the entire world who can call me any variation of the name 'Mickey'.

The first is Scott. He started it last year when we were dating. To us, we were 'Miccy and Scotty'. But only to us. At first I wasn't sure how I felt about it, but now I relish in it. Even though we're just friends now, he's like a little brother and I love him to death. It's really funny how some people are just made to be friends. The shortest relationship I ever had ended the best way. He's a good kid with a huge amount of creative ability. Talking to him today, I found out he's going to be a secondary ed English major. That totally blew me away, but it fits him - thinking about it now. Pretty nifty how that works out. That child is goin' places.

Ali. I don't talk to her anymore. We sung in childrens choir at church about eight years ago. Since she was 'Ali', I suppose I naturally became 'Micki'. I was three years her senior and that was okay with us. Somehow we were still formed a special bond. Four years after the children's choir was long past, and she was trying out for Star Search while I kept up theater arts...She told me about her plans for suicide. I remember being very 'good' about it all. Sat down with our Youth Minister, talked, prayed, explained. I was strong and attentive and sensitive and as mature as possible for a sixteen year old hearing a friend would rather die. When I was finally dropped off at my own house, I broke down. The most frightening thing I had to experience was having the knowledge of someone's destiny resting (seemingly) on my shoulders.

The last would be Father Al Semler. He was the first parish priest I had when I moved from Philadelphia to the Pittsburgh area. He held my attention and started to get me interested in church. It's incredible what one person can do. He always called me Mickey and when he was re-assigned by the diocese, I remember being heartbroken. It taught me a good lesson in trusting God though, things that were good just keep getting better. He trained me as an alter server, too. Great stuff.

I don't like the nickname when most people call me it...It's obnoxious. I'm not a cartoon character, as much as I love Disney. But there are always certain people who can bend the rules.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Trading Stories

So my friend and I exchanged sentences and then used them to write stories for each other. The first one is mine to my friend, then the line is the divider, the second one is my friend's to me. We're cool like this. Here it goes.

____________________________________________________________
"Blessed up and down but never satiated," he muttered under her breath. He wasn't listening, he rarely ever did. She continued to chatter about all of her problems and her life and her world, as though it was the only one that ever existed. She was so self centered -- self righteous, really. The way she claimed to have faith, but rarely showed it and then hated herself for it. The different times she was seeking attention by talking about things no one wanted to hear about in the first place. That's what she was doing right now. He couldn't stand it, if it wasn't for the fact that he was totally and completely captivated by her spirit.

The thing about her is that she hates being one of those people who doesn't practice what she preaches. But something is stopping her from being who she wants to be. Whoever that is. He started to put away the dishes as she dried them with the dishtowl that had the cherries printed on it. They matched the rest of the kitchen's red and white theme. The checkered curtains and the deep brown wooden table with it's picnic benches' were drenched in sunlight. The one sided chatter continued and he threw in an occasional 'mmhm', 'right', 'I know'...hoping she wouldn't notice his lack of utmost attention. His thoughts wandered, 'What would it be like to marry this girl?' He never would, mind you, but he wondered about it.

Where was life going? What direction would they take? Together or separate. It would be so much easier to see things laid out for them. Blessed up and down but never satiated. What did it take to show her how amazingly lucky she was? The world is full of people who can't see what's right in front of their eyes because they're too busy looking into the future or pondering the past. Instead of worrying about it all, get down on your knees more often. If she was so worried about it why didn't she pray more? Why don't any of us start praying more?

Blessed up and down but never satiated, God answers every prayer but doesn't always say 'yes'. The clouds started to cover the sun and the dishes were finished. He kissed her on the nose and asked if she'd join him for a walk. They went down the drive and dark clouds rolled across the sky. They were having a rare moment of silence. When they reached the top of the hill, the rain fell from weeping heavens and the ran for cover. He screamed a deep throated yell and picked her up. She tickled him and he threw his light spring jacket around her shoulders as they sprinted across the street. It was the kind of rain that is so sudden and hard and warm that you just want to look up and spin in a circle until you can throw yourself down into a field of grass. They pulled open the door of the first building they found and her glorious laughter rang and echoed.

Instinctively, he glanced over his shoulder. Empty. "It's been a long time. Why didn't I come here sooner?" she asked quietly, staring at him hard. He gently held her hands and lead her into a pew. They kneeled down and she started to cry, something about the incredible miracles and gifts and faith that were here and the fact that she ignors it always hit her soul. Blessed up and down but never satiated, "I'm not good enough," she whispered. He dried her tears and said "No one is. Just say 'thank you'."

____________________________________________________________

It had the potential to be beautiful. Well, rather 'he' than 'it' I suppose. No need in degrading it any farther, now is there? No, not really, but he's been suffering that type of objectification since the beginning. His father-not having a good beat bag to let loose into after work (his mother being deceased since forty-eight)-he was a smart man and he figured a way to fill the gap. Can't hear shit from the neighbors house if either of you have the windows shut, and here in Fargo, everyone does.

To see him at seventeen he's the same character. A real quiet kind of guy a real hand in pocket kind of guy, he'd never been too active with women. Never could read the faces and the moods quite the way the most of us can, so he'd never been too active with women, even to the point of his sexuality coming to question, but he didn't care enough to point it, no one cared nearly as much as him. This was still sufficient motive to justify the thrown stones from the churchyard. Wait, what do they say? In Fargo, everybody does.

Now the point of this whole mess isn't to ramble for most of this page on the nature of parental and phallic love, but to tell the entire story of his first romance. After a brief episode near the church, an episode I will not delve here because only he and the girl were there, and they chose to forget it entirely, he'd come to fancy a girl, and her him. A good thing really, but a nervous thing. A nervous thing on which he spent the customary (customary to an experienced creature of habit like her) three day period of silence after the initial expression of mutual affection pondering the possibilities.

Where is she? Has she fallen for someone else? Was it a lie? And as the guilty questioning turns to fearful proclamation. I'm very forgettable. My father would never like her. I'm not good for me, I can't be good for her? She's gone. On and on into the night and the day and the night and the day and the night and the morning of the eventual confrontation. She approached him with a poorly masked smile, compassionate towards the jaded and lonesome looking man before her. "Where is the glitter form your eye?" she asked him passionately. And he walked away, a forgotten man.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Carpe Diem.

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Rudyard Kipling

Today I have:

- Writen with sidewalk chalk. More specifically, 'Give Someone A Hug Today! Carpe Diem' in front of Biddle, Blackington, and Krebs - the three buildings in the quad.

- Played with Play Dough (yellow and purple).

- Sung my heart out.

- Laughed really hard.

-Danced.

-Packed a bag for a road trip.

- Sorted out confusion and managed to keep a friend ( I think).

- Read a great story

- I've been told that I (and Rachel) "Live a charmed life, ladies"

- Pop-ed bubble wrap

-Been told I'm a 'hell of a kisser'

- Made plans

- Broken promises

- Eaten well

- Made memories.

- Decided to wear a skirt tomorrow.

- Lived today to it's fullest.






Carpe Diem, indeed.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Sometimes, You Only Learn Through Experience

Sometimes, you can only learn through experience. I have learned this lesson more and more as time goes on. You see,

I have been there to console a friend when they have their family turned upside-down.
I have held them when they've cried and cried and had too much that Friday night.
I have listened to stories of working with physically or mentally disabled persons.
I have counseled others as they told me their heart's confusion as they've fallen in love.
I have watched companions turn into who they promised they would never be.
I have observed souls falling into confusion over why someone speak anything but the truth.
I have heard conversations where a word was never spoken between two people.
I have seen the results of one statement causing an uproar of laughter or anger.
I have watched sinners become saints.
I have seen the hurt, the joy, the love, the humor, the friendship, the faith, and life itself happen.

However, it is one thing to KNOW that life happens and quite another to actually live it. It is not living until I take part in it. And it isn't empathy until I know what something feels like first hand. Otherwise, it is as though you have seen a play about these emotions.

I am living when I know what it feels like to live in an unsettled household.
I am living when I have cried until I can't anymore, and my friends are still by my side, loving me.
I am living when I allow myself to be taught by children who cannot speak or move or play.
I am living when I see the view for the sky instead of the concrete fields.
I am living when I fall in love.
I am living when I realize I am not who I want to be and then I take an active stand to change that for the better.
I am living when I search for answers and ultimate truths because they make the biggest difference in the way I go about my life.
I am living when I have been lied to, when I have lied, when I discover what self preservation is versus what value the truth holds.
I am living when I have such a connection with a friend that we don't need to talk to have a discussion.
I am living when I am open to the fact that I am not called to be perfect, but I am called to be a saint.
I am living when I define who I am instead of waiting for others to define me.




When are you going to start?

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Hello and Welcome!

Hello all! Welcome to my blogspot. I find this quite intriguing and a lot of fun, and I was tired of Xanga. So for the year 2006, I've decided to start fresh. Xanga will still be used at times, if I feel so inclined. But really, I thought that blog was more of a high school gathering of thoughts, and I'm starting my second semester in college now - so I figured I would try something new. You know, something fun and a little different. I may just use it for my writing and not so much to say 'this is my life and everything in it!' Perhaps it will become a bit of both? Who knows. We'll see what comes of this, but I hope that it can be a reminder to me (and you) to 'hold onto hope' through the good times and bad.Happy New Year to all of you and welcome to my new blog!